Getting ‘Deadfaced’:

How often do you get ‘dead-faced’? You know, that shut-down look where the other person has deadened eyes and a locked jaw?

Often, this happens when we’re correcting someone, or telling them something they don’t want to hear–like the details of what they did wrong. Or, the details of our feelings about what they did wrong. No one’s face is going to look very lively in situations like that.

Here’s a way to avoid ‘dead face’.

It’s simple really.

The first step is not to spend a moment going over what you didn’t like: what the other person said/did/didn’t do –what’s the point of that? It’s all happened by now and is past tense and bringing it into the present just encourages the other person to feel bad or defensive and do the ‘dead face’ thing.

Just skip all that and leap into the second step: ask for what you want.

Here’s an example. Let’s say John has just spoken to you in a tone you don’t like.

You want to tell him not to speak to you like this. You want him to know how it MAKES you feel. Etc. etc. But don’t go there. It will not be helpful.

Here’s What To Do Instead:

Instead, just say, “I’d love it if you talked to me in a softer, kinder tone. That would make it easier for me to listen to you. Do you think you could do that?”

Full stop.

This does several things:

It creates a clear direction for the conversation.

It outlines a reward for the other person: in this case, it will enhance the possibility of being heard.

Implicitly, it shows you are in control of your feelings and will take care of them yourself.

It involves a clear, but positive invitation to act differently.

It sidesteps any blame or what I call ‘wrong-making’

Avoid Blaming At All Costs:

This last point is crucial because everyone and I mean everyone, has shame about being blamed. Our culture has done a dismal job of helping people take responsibility for their own feelings. It’s very difficult to create healthy conversations in such an environment. But when you learn to take responsibility and lead conversations where you want them to go, everything eases up. You start to feel in control.

In my new course, Inner Authority, Saying the Unsayable, I’ll be teaching dozens of language skills so you can stay calm and clear in even the most difficult conversations and get yourself heard.

Want to know more?

Contact me:

Contact me and we can have a chat. karen@personalbest.org The Inner Authority, Saying the Unsayable course will start on Saturday, September 25^th at 10:30 am EST and run for 6 weeks. It will be a very small group so there will be lots of time to practice and get proficient in being able to speak easily and often about things that are important to you, even to people you find intimidating.

Karen

Question: Where does a mama bear sleep? Answer: Anywhere she darn well pleases. INNER AUTHORITY, Saying The Unsayable When was the last time you wanted to say something, but didn’t? Maybe you got muddled and couldn’t think of what to say. Maybe you were worried you’d blurt things out and make everything worse. Maybe you wanted to say “No”, but didn’t want the personal disapproval or professional repercussions. So you didn’t speak. And you’ve been kicking yourself ever since. I talk to a LOT of women who find it hard to speak up easily and often. They don’t have the skills to deliver their thoughts and feelings in ways that create connection and clarity instead of upset and ignoring, so they shut themselves up. But there’s a price tag to that self-silencing. It lowers our self-esteem and causes us not to live true to ourselves. I’m on a mission to change that. I’ve developed 6 week group coaching program to help women access their inner knowing, learn specific language protocols to say the things that seem unsayable and then practice using them until they’re second nature. The program is called Inner Authority, Saying The Unsayable. The program will be starting in mid to late September and will involve a safe and supportive learning environment were we can explore and practice protocols for speaking up in a broad variety of situations, to a broad variety of people, however intimidating. Practice time is important because I want this program to change your life. By the end of it, you will be able to: Power your words from a strong sense of inner authority. Create conversations where you get heard rather than reacted to. Handle ‘touchy’ subjects and emotion-soaked topics and say the things you dread saying to loved ones or intimidating people. Show up as a formidable communicator whether that’s at home or at work Interested? If you want to chat more about the Inner Authority course, zip me an email and we’ll set up a time to talk. If you already know this course is for you and want to sign up now, contact me before August 22 and I’ll process a deposit ($300) to hold your spot. As a bonus for signing up early, I’m offering a complimentary 1-1 coaching session with me to use when you like. The full cost of the 6 week program is $599.00. Remember, there are only 6 – 8 spots. Inner Authority, Saying The Unsayable will give you 6 one and a half hour group coaching sessions with me. That’s 9 hours of coaching altogether, which is much less expensive than 1 on 1 coaching. So, give this some thought. I think this skill is vital for all women to learn. Not only for themselves but to model this for our kids, bosses, partners and friends. As women, we have SO much wisdom. It’s time to get it out there. LIKELY OUTCOMES: You will become a more trustworthy and authentic person. You will garner new respect from friends and colleagues for the clean & clear delivery of your unique perspective. You will feel more ‘solid’ inside for standing for yourself and not people pleasing. You will no longer be silenced by scary conversations. As a clear, truth-teller, you will be more valued professionally and reap the financial benefits. CONTACT ME: karen@personalbest.org

 

We all know how difficult it is to change. Yet the world is shouting at us to do exactly that. And we want to change. Many of us yearn to change –we’re tired of the old ways of doing things. But we feel constricted, bound by our programming. By the time we’re adults, most of us have habits deeply etched into our neuro-programming and many of them are on automatic.

How, then, can we evolve ourselves to become our best selves, and live lives that are respectful of all other sentient beings on the planet?

This is where coaching can truly make a difference. Here’s why why it works:

1) As the famous writer Anais Nin once said, “We don’t see things as they are, we see things as WE are.” Therefore, we imagine that what we see out there is “reality” rather than just a projection of our own consciousness. Good coaches know this and help us to work with our perceptions. They help us look deeper than the issues we’re presenting and work with our patterns. Most importantly, they get us excited about seeing things differently and expanding our thinking in ways that catalyses us in exciting new ways.

2) Making changes usually feels uncomfortable. We love our habits, even if they don’t always serve us. Some people expect new behaviours to feel good right away and tell themselves “this doesn’t feel right” when they take a new action and as a result, slip back into the old ways. A good coach can help us understand the process of change and helps keep us on track and stay steady until the unfamiliar becomes familiar.

3) A coach will tell us things that family members and friends usually won’t. Also, because feedback is being delivered by someone with no agenda other than helping us be our best. This helps us to hear it more deeply and work with it without resistance.

4) Most of us have a far easier time breaking agreements we’ve made with ourselves than those we make with others. A coach can hold us accountable until we learn more how to do that ourselves.

5) Coaching gives us the experience of having someone truly believe in us and our ability to create what our hearts yearn for. Coaches work hard to help make that happen. And perhaps most importantly, they believe in us even when we have lost belief. This can be a game changer.

I have worked as a personal development coach for over 30 years so I’m very experienced in helping people change. My mission is to help people be fully in charge of themselves. I want to help more people do that. To that end, this spring, I’m offering something new: training sessions on specific tools. I’m calling the series, TOOLS FOR TAKING CHARGE.

Some may be offered as a group experience, but most will involve a 1-1 training that will give you an hour of training in a specific skill-set to help you manage your energy and put you in charge of how you think and feel about a challenging situation in your life. The sessions will be over the phone or Skype, or Zoom–your preference.

I will be offering a different ‘tool’ each newsletter for the next few weeks. Because I want to encourage people who’ve never experienced coaching with me before, I’m offering these 1 hour sessions at a “Gosh, I can’t resist that” price.

This week’s tool for taking charge is: Tapping.

Maybe you’d like to become more confident, or get over an upset feeling you have with someone, or want to handle a nagging health issue more resourcefully. Tapping can be effective with any issue that is causing you stress. It works by freeing up stuck emotional energy by stimulating specific energy points in body’s meridians.  (These meridians are the same ones that acupuncturists use.

In this one hour tapping training, I will explore the physical and emotions symptoms of the situation you want to work with. I will then formulate a series of powerful statements that will target the physiological and psychological issues and after demonstrating the location of the points, I will take you through the protocol using these statements. (The specificity of the statements is important. Without this, the protocol has limited power as some of you might have experienced if you’ve tried to do it yourself.

At the end of the three-round process, you will be able to assess the change that’s taken place.
And the “Gosh, I can’t resist” price is $99.
I will give a full refund if you aren’t pleased with the outcome.
Please send me an email if you’d like to have one of these sessions or if you have questions.

That’s it for this week.

As always, I’m your biggest fan.

Karen