5 Disastrous Communication Mistakes

July 21, 2015 By Karen Leave a Comment

Common Communication Mistakes:

When Carol first called me for coaching, she had a long list of complaints about her husband, who I’ll call Don. Even though they’d only been married a few years, she was not happy with him. And of course, he felt the sting of her disappointment. Yet really, Carol was just committing one of many common communication mistakes.

The problem, as I saw it, was not her feelings, it was how she dealt with them – by complaining to her husband regularly. As a result, he became so used to hearing her upsets that he started ignoring them and telling her that he didn’t think he could ever make her happy.

Making Disastrous Communication Mistakes Better:

I asked Carol to list her complaints in the order of upset they caused her. She made the list happily. I then started to work with her on complaint #5. (I didn’t want to start with the most upsetting) and asked her to write why this bothered her.

Her 5^th complaint was that her husband didn’t do the things she asked him to do.

Generalized complaints are disastrous to communications. So I asked her to get specific. What specific thing was he not doing?

She replied quickly. “He hasn’t fixed the leaky tap.”

Now that I had a specific, I asked her to write down why it was important to her.

“Because it’s something he should do,” she replied.

I winced. To me, ‘shoulding’ ourselves or others is just not helpful.

So, I asked her to rephrase that, but only using the pronoun “I” and to describe how she would feel if the tap got fixed.

“I would be able to relax,” she said. “And I would feel like my needs matter.”

Great. We were making progress. She was being specific about the issue, she was describing why it mattered, so it was now time to prompt her into asking her husband for what she wanted him to do, rather than voicing her upset about him not doing things. I can’t say how important this step is and what a game changer it can be.

She wasn’t sure about this.

“But what if he continues to ignore me?” she said.

I suggested she make a request for a specific date to test it out. And to add an alternative action if he didn’t want to do what she asked.

Here’s what Carol ended up emailing her husband. (Many men are very visual and email works well for this.)

“Would you fix the tap in the basement this week? It would feel so good to me to have it done. I would feel so considered by you if you did it. If you can’t or don’t want to do it, can we say by the end of the weekend, would it be okay with you if I called someone else to do the work?”

Carol sent it off and didn’t hear from Don about it, but later that day heard some sounds in the basement and sure enough, Don was fixing the tap.

I’ll start working on the other things in her list once she’s recovered from shock.

An Excellent Communication Skill Set:

If you want to spruce up your communication skills, follow these guidelines:

!) Talk only about ‘specific’ situations.

2) Talk about what you want, not what you don’t want.

3) Provide information about how it would feel to you to get what you want.

4) Suggest a completion date.

5) Suggest an alternative.

Learning How to Communicate More Effectively:

If I can help you make your communication more effective, let me know. Call me for a chat.

Please pass this on to anyone you think might benefit! Thanks!

Karen

www.personalbest.org

Changing Ourselves!

May 25, 2011 By Karen Leave a Comment

Okay, you’ve identified something you need & want to change in yourself and so you just do it, right?

We wish! Most often, despite all our attempts, we fall back again and again into old behaviours. That’s because these behaviours have been passed down to us and are installed in our energetic systems. It’s not easy to eradicate them.

Why Changing Ourselves is So Challenging!

Which group of people is more likely to abuse their children–those that have been abused or those that haven’t? The answer is: those who were abused. You’d think that people who’d experienced the terrors of child abuse would be the least likely to repeat this behaviour. Not true. Why? New brain research supports this with explanations of how ‘tracks’ get laid down in our bodies and brains. These ‘tracks’ can be as deep as troughs & be very difficult to get out of. They act as a kind of trance that we can’t wake up from.

Unskilful Ways for Changing Ourselves:

Sometimes people will use shame or chastisement to blast themselves out, but not only does this feel terrible, even if it does bring some change, the pattern usually comes back full force.

So, what does work? Repetition of the new behaviour. Repetition will lay down new tracks, making it easier and easier to do. The lovely poem below by Portia Nelson says it all so well. I love this poem because it creates compassion for ourselves as we go through the steps that changing ourselves involves. If we recognize that changing ourselves is often slow & incremental, then it will be easier for us to be patient and give the process the time it needs. That will help us to hold to the new behaviour rather than chucking it out of frustration.

A Resource for Changing Ourselves!

But before the poem, I want to tell you about something. A colleague of mine, Rachel Assuncao, has developed a 14 day e-course that’s designed to help you make simple and manageable changes to improve your health. I’ve just done it myself and loved it. Although some of the material was familiar, the repetition was good and some of the material was new to me. I really liked that.

The course, called 14 Days to a Healthier New You, offers a daily practical tip or recipe to help you improve your health and wellbeing. The course is free and I highly recommend it.

To learn more, or sign up, click HERE:

Give it a shot. I think you’ll like it. Now, here’s the poem.

By Portia Nelson

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN 5 SHORT CHAPTERS:

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in
I am lost . . . I am helpless
It isn’t my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter II

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don’t see it.
I fall in again.
I can’t believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn’t my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter III

I walk down the same street
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in . . . it’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter IV

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter V

I walk down another street.

Your Many Talents!

April 7, 2011 By Karen Leave a Comment

My guess is that you’ve got several talents. Right? One or two might be latent or underdeveloped, but nonetheless, one might be sitting like a seed in the dark fecund soil of your soul, waiting for you to water it.

I think for us to be fully happy we need to develop all our talents.

New Book!

For me, although most of you know me as a coach, I’m also a writer. In the last few weeks, I’ve been engrossed in doing the final edits for a young adult fiction book that’s being published by Dundurn Press this November. (My fifth book!)

What an incredible amount of work it’s been! (That’s why I’ve been remiss at writing newsletters, but more will come now.)

Meanwhile, here’s a delightful video that speaks to the beauty of complexity and commitment! Enjoy!

PS: If YOU want to talk about how to develop a passion/talent you have sitting inside you, give me a call & we’ll chat about it.

When Things Get Crazy

March 31, 2010 By Karen Leave a Comment

Quote: “Obstacles can’t stop you. Problems can’t stop you. Most of all, other people can’t stop you. Only you can stop you.” — Jeffrey Gitomer, Author and Sales Trainer

Toyota has been getting a lot of attention lately for their SUA problem (Sudden Unintended Acceleration) and it got me thinking about other times in life when things speed out of control.

The experts have suggested a variety of strategies that will be helpful if SUA happens to your car, and I’ve added some ideas about how those suggestions can be helpful in life.

1. Stay Calm: Staying calm isn’t just a good thing to do–your life may depend upon it. Survivors of major disasters always have this one trait in common. They didn’t panic. This is great advice for when things go crazy in our lives as well. If you need help with this, I’ve just posted some short, but calming meditations on my Happiness Anyway website–check them out by going to MEDITATIONS

2. Don’t turn off the engine: Think of it–the engine provides power to the power steering and brakes, so if you turn off the engine, you’ve just cashed out of any chance of buying yourself a different outcome. It’s the same with relationships, and jobs–don’t turn off the engine. Stay IN the situation and figure it out. That’s the only long term way of being successful.

3. Apply uniform and consistent pressure to the brakes: Don’t pump. In life, we need to be consistent about saying “No”, consistent about our goals and habits. Doing them sometimes and not others (pumping) won’t do it.

4. Shift into neutral: I like this suggestion a lot, because it’s one area where I see people botching things up. Don’t keep at a conversation when the other person has clearly tuned you out. Don’t keep pushing for a solution when your body is exhausted. Don’t say or do more until things ease up a bit.

5. Move to a side lane: Pulling over (but not exiting) a situation is often a wise choice. It will allow us to get a break from the chaos, reassess and call in the help we need.

TWO AWESOME RESOURCES:

Bob Proctor, a Canadian entrepreneur who’s been hugely successful, is offering a daily video series for a buck. You can cancel for no reason if you like at the end of a month. I like Bob Proctor so I signed up and I’m loving the videos. They are 6 minutes each and delivered to your box every day and talk about everything from creating wealth to handling difficult emotions. Here’s the link.

https://sixminutes.infusionsoft.com/go/SM2SV4/inic1984

LAST BUT NOT LEAST:

This is your last opportunity to enter the Month of Free Coaching Draw. To be eligible, all you have to do is sign up for my blog at my new Happiness Anyway site. Not only will you get lots of tips and tools for being “Happy Anyway”, you’ll create a chance for yourself to win a free month of coaching. If you’re interested, do it today as I’m picking the winner tomorrow!

Perspective Matters!

March 8, 2010 By Karen 1 Comment

Hold your hand up, palm forward. Now turn it to the side. Same hand, but it looks entirely different. The difference, as you know, is perspective. Before reading the funny story below, let me say a bit more about perspective.

Successful people learn to switch their perspective to keep their energy high. If you tell yourself that “Business is terrible”, or that “No one cares about me”, you’re not going to have much energy. But if you tell yourself, “Business is recovering” and that “Many people value me”, not only will you feel more like taking your life/business on, but brain science tells us, you’ll be changing your future.

We now have solid scientific studies that prove the fact that “Neurons that fire together, wire together”. What this means is that the more you repeat a thought or action, the stronger the neurological patterns become and the more easily that thought or action can recur.

That’s what makes it so difficult to change our perspective sometimes–the pathways are so well trodden, we can slip into them easily. Developing new ones may feel like a slog at first, but it’s worth it for our thoughts shape our actions and our actions shape our future.

Here’s the fun story:

Bill was working on his family genealogy and found out his great-great uncle, Remus Starr was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. He even found a photo of Remus, showing him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture were the words:

“Remus Starr–Horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison, 1885. Escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged, 1889.”

Bill decided to revise things a bit. He cropped the picture into a head shot, then he rewrote the text:

“Remus Starr was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include the acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and included intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1885, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking a key role in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency, In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.”

Now that’s a change in perspective! (Maybe Bill should consider a job in gov’t public relations!)

SOMETHING SPECIAL:

A colleague of mine, Vicki Field, who is nothing short of wonderful, is doing a teleseminar with Dr. Amy D’Aprix, called, “How to Jumpstart New Friendships and Make Them Last!”.

This free teleclass is Monday, March 15th at 8 EST and will help people build a stronger support network, which studies show contributes significantly to longevity and health and diminishes isolation, self-doubt and loneliness.

Vicki and Dr. Amy D’Aprix have just come out with a great new book entitled, Building the Bonds of Friendship at Middle Life and Beyond.

For more information about the book or the teleclass, visit www.passagepoints.com