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5 Disastrous Communication Mistakes

July 21, 2015 By Karen Leave a Comment

5 disastrous communication mistakes

Common Communication Mistakes:

When Carol first called me for coaching, she had a long list of complaints about her husband, who I’ll call Don. Even though they’d only been married a few years, she was not happy with him. And of course, he felt the sting of her disappointment. Yet really, Carol was just committing one of many common communication mistakes.

The problem, as I saw it, was not her feelings, it was how she dealt with them – by complaining to her husband regularly. As a result, he became so used to hearing her upsets that he started ignoring them and telling her that he didn’t think he could ever make her happy.

Making Disastrous Communication Mistakes Better:

I asked Carol to list her complaints in the order of upset they caused her. She made the list happily. I then started to work with her on complaint #5. (I didn’t want to start with the most upsetting) and asked her to write why this bothered her.

Her 5th complaint was that her husband didn’t do the things she asked him to do.

Generalized complaints are disastrous to communications. So I asked her to get specific. What specific thing was he not doing?

She replied quickly. “He hasn’t fixed the leaky tap.”

Now that I had a specific, I asked her to write down why it was important to her.

“Because it’s something he should do,” she replied.

I winced. To me, ‘shoulding’ ourselves or others is just not helpful.

So, I asked her to rephrase that, but only using the pronoun “I” and to describe how she would feel if the tap got fixed.

“I would be able to relax,” she said. “And I would feel like my needs matter.”

Great. We were making progress. She was being specific about the issue, she was describing why it mattered, so it was now time to prompt her into asking her husband for what she wanted him to do, rather than voicing her upset about him not doing things.  I can’t say how important this step is and what a game changer it can be.

She wasn’t sure about this.

“But what if he continues to ignore me?” she said.

I suggested she make a request for a specific date to test it out. And to add an alternative action if he didn’t want to do what she asked.

Here’s what Carol ended up emailing her husband. (Many men are very visual and email works well for this.)

“Would you fix the tap in the basement this week? It would feel so good to me to have it done. I would feel so considered by you if you did it. If you can’t or don’t want to do it, can we say by the end of the weekend, would it be okay with you if I called someone else to do the work?”

Carol sent it off and didn’t hear from Don about it, but later that day heard some sounds in the basement and sure enough, Don was fixing the tap.

I’ll start working on the other things in her list once she’s recovered from shock.

An Excellent Communication Skill Set:

If you want to spruce up your communication skills, follow these guidelines:

!) Talk only about ‘specific’ situations.

2) Talk about what you want, not what you don’t want.

3) Provide information about how it would feel to you to get what you want.

4) Suggest a completion date.

5) Suggest an alternative.

Learning How to Communicate More Effectively:

If I can help you make your communication more effective, let me know. Call me for a chat.

Please pass this on to anyone you think might benefit! Thanks!

Karen

www.personalbest.org

Filed Under: Relationship, Resources, Self-development, Uncategorized Tagged With: communication

Communication Tips!

June 26, 2013 By Karen Leave a Comment

Happy Couple Having ChatHere are some tips to help you talk to your partner in clean and clear ways.

Be specific. What you mean by a general statement like ‘being considerate’ may be entirely different than someone else, but no one can argue with a specific request like, “Could you clear the table and do the dishes every night without me asking?” That’s a lot clearer than, “Could you help with clean up?”

Ask for what you want. Even though we are usually more aware of what we don’t want, it’s better to only talk about what we do want. So, instead of saying, “I don’t want you to yell,” you can say, “Will you talk to me in a quiet, calm voice?”

Stay in the Present. Leave the past behind. Even if your partner has not asked your opinion about something important on the last 5 occasions, still don’t mention it. “Would you like to hear my perspective now?” is an arrow pointing at the bull’s eye of now.

Ask for clarity. Don’t be afraid to ask for details. They can make all the difference.

Expect differences.  The problem isn’t the number of conflicts or severity of them, it’s how respectful we are in honouring them. Most of the difficulties that occur around differences occurs because one person is trying to convince the other to see things their way or to do it their way. But why should they? Practice respect.

Avoid ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. Really, there is no right or wrong, only one person’s perspective versus another person’s perspective. Using phrases like, “From my point of view,” will help you remember that.

Recognize triggers from the past. We all have preferences, but if you find yourself having a great deal of intensity about something, it’s probably a trigger from some unresolved situation in the past. Talk with someone about it and tease apart the preferences you might have in the present from the intensity of the past. Once you do this, you’ll be able to negotiate much more cleanly.

Give these techniques a try and notice how much healthier your interactions with your partner become.

Or, if you want more ideas about how to connect in clean and clear ways with your partner, contact me for a complimentary coaching session. Karen@personalbest.org

Meanwhile, please visit me on Facebook: www.facebook.com/personalbestlifecoaching where you’ll find a ton of tips, videos and audio’s to help you be YOUR best self!

 

Filed Under: Relationship, Self-development Tagged With: Relationship Advice

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