Good Girl People-Pleasing Date Rape

September 23, 2021 By Karen Leave a Comment

People-Pleasing

When I was 17, I was still a virgin. I had done my share of making out in cars with some of the boys from school, but they always refrained from going too far. At that time, birth control wasn’t everywhere and going “all the way” was out of the question.

That summer I took a writing course. The out-of-town teacher, a man in his twenties, read from his published work and I was enthralled. When he asked me out for dinner at the end of the workshop, I was flattered and exited. He took me to the expensive restaurant in the hotel and afterwards, said he wanted to read me something. Enchanted, I followed him to the elevator.

He moved quickly once we were in his room and being the quintessential people-pleasing Good Girl, I went along with what he was doing, sure he would stop before things went too far.

Within minutes, it was over and he was stuffing himself back into his jeans. He hadn’t been physically forceful. Or brutal. He had simply used my Good Girl People-Pleasing stance to rape me.

I didn’t tell anyone for over 20 years. But it definitely catalyzed me to help both men and women speak up and learn the skills to Say The Unsayable.

The Price Tag of People Pleasing

I wanted to share this story because we tend to think of ‘people pleasing’ as something we shouldn’t do, like we shouldn’t eat junk food, but we often don’t see its debilitating and soul-destroying affects. For both men and women. I want to wake people up about it.

Most women are somewhat cognizant of our people-pleasing. But we often minimize its price tag to our emotional wellbeing. Men
do people-pleasing behaviours as well. Regardless of your gender, people-pleasing robs us of our ability to stand for ourselves and steals any chance we have of being our full selves.

How Much of A People-Pleaser Are You?

Want to see where you fall on the continuum of people pleasing behaviours? Read the statements below. Check mark all the bahaviours you currently engage in.

You get nervous when other people get upset with you.
Even when your own schedule is more than full, you give your time to someone else.
You apologize for small, unimportant things like being 2 minutes late or unintentionally jostling against someone.
You laugh when other laugh even if you aren’t amused.
You give in and go along with another even when this involves doing something you either don’t want to do or don’t feel is right to do.
You feign interest even when you aren’t.
You apologize when others have a strong emotion & feel responsible for their emotions.
You avoid giving your opinion when you imagine it will be
You say ‘Yes’ when you don’t want to.
Saying ‘No’ is very difficult.

Please help me spread the word by sharing this email:

‘KARENS’ AND WHITE PRIVILEGE

September 14, 2021 By Karen Leave a Comment

‘Karens’ and White Privilege:

‘Karens’ have been called entitled. Histrionic. Self-absorbed. Even racist.

According to the Urban Dictionary, a ‘Karen’ is a middle-aged women, typically blond, who makes a big fuss over minor inconveniences. An example is the woman who sued a city council after they installed a STOP sign that blocked the sun from her window for 10 minutes a day. (The sign was put in after a child was hit by a speeding driver and killed.)

When Your Name Is An Insult:

This type of person is nasty, but lots of people are nasty who aren’t named ‘Karen’. But ‘Karens’ are getting bashed these days all over the Internet. I should know. I am named Karen. I like to think I’m an ‘evolved Karen’ and that the judgements about my name don’t apply to me, but, nonetheless, they sting. You’ll understand one day if your own name becomes a derogatory word. The Lindas, Becky’s and Chads of the world have already been through it.

Why are ‘Karens’ getting hit so hard? What is this anti-Karen movement all about? When I heard someone call Donald Trump referred to as a “Karen in Chief”, I knew I had to do some digging. As I explored, it seemed to me that our culture is always trying to self-regulate and this is a good thing. Right now, there is a great deal of rejigging, much needed rejigging, around the issue of white privilege. Most white people are swimming in privilege and don’t even know it, so the ‘Karen’ bashing is a way our culture is trying to get us to SEE privilege more clearly and it’s easier to see in the behaviours of some white, blond, middle-aged women. And my goodness, we so need to see it!

Call The Manager:

For example, a friend of mine said she didn’t realize she was being entitled when she heard herself telling her husband to “call the manager” when he was displeased in a store one day. This friend isn’t named ‘Karen’ but realized she was acting like the ‘Karen’ so many people are talking about. And she changed her behaviour and retracted her request. Being ‘unKaren like’ can be a good thing.

But there are also good things about actually being a ‘Karen’. First of all, many of them are highly sensitive. They feel things acutely and can often sniff what they consider ‘injustice’ a mile away. Okay, maybe two miles away. And once their snouts have gotten hold of what they think is injustice, they are willing to shout about it long and hard. And they have no scruples about taking action when others won’t. It’s almost as if they enjoy rocking the boat.

Saying The Unsayable:

Our culture needs more people speaking up right now. We have been quiet for WAY too long about the atrocities being done to the planet and its divergent peoples. But we need to do it in a way that can be heard. (This is my superpower, helping people “say the unsayable” in ways that will be respected and heard.)

So, this is a call to all ‘Karens’. Instead of brandishing white privilege, speak out against it. Let’s be the blonds at the front of the protest march, the pushy broads who stand up to the cops when they are acting in racist ways.

The world needs us ‘evolved Karens’ now more than ever.

How Often Do You Get Deadfaced?”

September 1, 2021 By Karen Leave a Comment

Getting ‘Deadfaced’:

How often do you get ‘dead-faced’? You know, that shut-down look where the other person has deadened eyes and a locked jaw?

Often, this happens when we’re correcting someone, or telling them something they don’t want to hear–like the details of what they did wrong. Or, the details of our feelings about what they did wrong. No one’s face is going to look very lively in situations like that.

Here’s a way to avoid ‘dead face’.

It’s simple really.

The first step is not to spend a moment going over what you didn’t like: what the other person said/did/didn’t do –what’s the point of that? It’s all happened by now and is past tense and bringing it into the present just encourages the other person to feel bad or defensive and do the ‘dead face’ thing.

Just skip all that and leap into the second step: ask for what you want.

Here’s an example. Let’s say John has just spoken to you in a tone you don’t like.

You want to tell him not to speak to you like this. You want him to know how it MAKES you feel. Etc. etc. But don’t go there. It will not be helpful.

Here’s What To Do Instead:

Instead, just say, “I’d love it if you talked to me in a softer, kinder tone. That would make it easier for me to listen to you. Do you think you could do that?”

Full stop.

This does several things:

It creates a clear direction for the conversation.

It outlines a reward for the other person: in this case, it will enhance the possibility of being heard.

Implicitly, it shows you are in control of your feelings and will take care of them yourself.

It involves a clear, but positive invitation to act differently.

It sidesteps any blame or what I call ‘wrong-making’

Avoid Blaming At All Costs:

This last point is crucial because everyone and I mean everyone, has shame about being blamed. Our culture has done a dismal job of helping people take responsibility for their own feelings. It’s very difficult to create healthy conversations in such an environment. But when you learn to take responsibility and lead conversations where you want them to go, everything eases up. You start to feel in control.

In my new course, Inner Authority, Saying the Unsayable, I’ll be teaching dozens of language skills so you can stay calm and clear in even the most difficult conversations and get yourself heard.

Want to know more?

Contact me:

Contact me and we can have a chat. karen@personalbest.org The Inner Authority, Saying the Unsayable course will start on Saturday, September 25^th at 10:30 am EST and run for 6 weeks. It will be a very small group so there will be lots of time to practice and get proficient in being able to speak easily and often about things that are important to you, even to people you find intimidating.

Karen

INNER AUTHORITY, Saying the Unsayable

August 30, 2021 By Karen Leave a Comment

Question: Where does a mama bear sleep?
Answer: Anywhere she darn well pleases.

INNER AUTHORITY, Saying The Unsayable

When was the last time you wanted to say something, but didn’t? Maybe you got muddled and couldn’t think of what to say. Maybe you were worried you’d blurt things out and make everything worse. Maybe you wanted to say “No”, but didn’t want the personal disapproval or professional repercussions.

So you didn’t speak. And you’ve been kicking yourself ever since.

I talk to a LOT of women who find it hard to speak up easily and often. They don’t have the skills to deliver their thoughts and feelings in ways that create connection and clarity instead of upset and ignoring, so they shut themselves up.

But there’s a price tag to that self-silencing.

It lowers our self-esteem and causes us not to live true to ourselves.

I’m on a mission to change that.

I’ve developed 6 week group coaching program to help women access their inner knowing, learn specific language protocols to say the things that seem unsayable and then practice using them until they’re second nature.

The program is called Inner Authority, Saying The Unsayable.

The program will be starting in mid to late September and will involve a safe and supportive learning environment were we can explore and practice protocols for speaking up in a broad variety of situations, to a broad variety of people, however intimidating.

Practice time is important because I want this program to change your life. By the end of it, you will be able to:

Power your words from a strong sense of inner authority.
Create conversations where you get heard rather than reacted to.
Handle ‘touchy’ subjects and emotion-soaked topics and say the things you dread saying to loved ones or intimidating people.
Show up as a formidable communicator whether that’s at home or at work

Interested? If you want to chat more about the Inner Authority course, zip me an email and we’ll set up a time to talk. If you already know this course is for you and want to sign up now, contact me before August 22 and I’ll process a deposit ($300) to hold your spot. As a bonus for signing up early, I’m offering a complimentary 1-1 coaching session with me to use when you like. The full cost of the 6 week program is $599.00. Remember, there are only 6 – 8 spots.

Inner Authority, Saying The Unsayable will give you 6 one and a half hour group coaching sessions with me. That’s 9 hours of coaching altogether, which is much less expensive than 1 on 1 coaching.

So, give this some thought. I think this skill is vital for all women to learn. Not only for themselves but to model this for our kids, bosses, partners and friends. As women, we have SO much wisdom. It’s time to get it out there.

LIKELY OUTCOMES:

You will become a more trustworthy and authentic person.
You will garner new respect from friends and colleagues for the clean & clear delivery of your unique perspective.
You will feel more ‘solid’ inside for standing for yourself and not people pleasing.
You will no longer be silenced by scary conversations.
As a clear, truth-teller, you will be more valued professionally and reap the financial benefits.

CONTACT ME: karen@personalbest.org

WOMEN ARE STUPID! WHAT?

August 25, 2021 By Karen Leave a Comment

Uprooting Old Beliefs:

“Women are stupid.” It’s hard to believe that people ever accepted that belief, but they did. Even women themselves believed it. Which made it very difficult for women to speak up and for men to listen when they did!

Many women, and men too, still have beliefs that silence them. That’s why in my new course, Inner Authority, Saying the Unsayable, I’ll be teaching people how to uninstall old ones and reinstall new ones.

Old Beliefs are rooted in the unconscious:

Dr. Chris Walton, who wrote The Gamma Mindset, contends that the conscious mind is only in charge about 5% of the time. The vast majority of our behaviour is determined by programs that are buried in our unconscious. These programs, or beliefs, were installed by parents and the prevailing culture. Most of us are not even aware of them. This is partly because as scientists like Bruce Lipton say, most of these programs are firmly installed by the time we’re 7 years old.

Old Beliefs have nothing to do with Self-discipline:

No wonder it feels so difficult to change behaviours. We all know the limitations of self-discipline. New research on discipline is showing that we all only have a limited amount of it and it usually runs out before new habits have had enough time to establish themselves.

What about affirmations? Because they use only the conscious mind, they can only have a very limited effect.

Fortunately there are new mind technologies that can access the unconscious..Using myself as a guinea pig, I’ve been experimenting with a specific protocols and I’m excited by the results I’m getting.

Installing a New Belief:

I start by determining a specific belief that I’d like to have. Then, I muscle test the belief to assess how strong or weak it is in my energetic system. If it’s weak, I do a short protocol that involves some specific breathing, then some specific tapping, and a heart coherence process while I rest in what’s called the Whole Brain posture.

This takes about 10-15 minutes max. When I’m done, I muscle test again and usually find that the belief is strong and robust. And always feel more energetic.

Would you like to try it out?

I’m going to be teaching this protocol in my new course, Inner Authority, Saying and Unsayable, because I often find that beliefs often hold people back from speaking their truth and I want to teach tools that people can use on their own to free themselves up.

To learn more about the course, click HERE NOW!